Past History

In medicine when we evaluate a patient, many things go into the initial assessment. We look at the patient, their allergies, current medications and past history. We tend to focus on their past medical history because it may affect our treatment plan. If the person has a history of bleeding ulcers, there are a number of medications we might avoid that could worsen their condition. Or, the person may have a history of adverse reactions to anesthetics which would complicate surgical planning.

I think we forget about the other elements of a person's history. A person's emotional, family and spiritual history is also important. There is sickness and brokenness found there, too.

I was acutely reminded of this today as I talked to my daughter. She is one of the greatest gifts in my life. She is the answer to years of yearning for a girl from China. She is a ball of energy, emotion and personality. I love to watch her face when she tells a story, because the expressions she displays are not mine or my husband's. Those expressions are part of discovering who she is and who she will be.

Today, tears sprung up in her eyes and she said to me, "I like you Mom, but I miss my China Momma." My heart felt a brief sting as I collected my thoughts. She told me she that she wanted to see her China Mom and wished she could talk to her. I realized there is this brokenness inside of her. It's part of her history. Her tears continued.

This girl comes with a history of a hole in her heart that she cannot yet fully articulate or understand. It can be easy to gloss over this sense of loss, because I think we've made it better for her. We give her a family, education, opportunity, friends, security, etc., etc. But, how can she see these "benefits" when she's trying to grasp the loss?

So, I answer her questions honestly. To many of them I say, "I don't know." ...because I don't. I know she is loved. I know there is a sense of loss.

As she grows, her understanding of life in China, adoption and family will evolve and mature. That will never erase her history~it may help her process it and come to terms with it.

Maybe it will be like the x-rays of patients that I see with old fractures. By looking at the image, I see the area where the fracture was...the bone was broken, but is now healed. The fracture line is faded and the bone is healed, remodeled, strong and functional. May her heart be the same: once broken...now healed, remodeled and strong. Never forgetting the pain, but moving forward bathed in love.