Pain

it's amazing what we will do to escape it...

...pain, that is.

...we spend significant time in medicine trying to drown it out.

...we are even using it as a measure of how good your medical care was.  "Was your pain controlled?" we ask.

Not all pain is bad.

...sometimes it is a symptom...

of a problem

of a disease

of a hurt that goes to the deepest part of our soul

It doesn't always deserve to be smothered and buried.

...sometimes it deserves attention...

acknowledgement

diagnosis

treatment

healing

tears

...sometimes we fix their fractures, but something else breaks.

...sometimes the things that break, can't be fixed.

...then hearts break and tears fall.


today tears fell at my hospital. the family cried. i cried with them.

i told them what a privilege it was to be part of their journey.

it was a journey they would never have chosen, but we walked the path for just a few days together.

their perspective included gratitude, strong family bonds and pain.

3 of the most powerful themes of life...

human touch

the patient was in the trauma bay.

shaking.

i said, "are you scared?"

the reply, "no, it's in the good Lord's hands."

may i be part of His work.

when fixed is not healed

In surgery, it is common to think "the cut is the cure." Shouldn't something we fixed be better? Our patients certainly expect surgery to be the solution to the problem.

I commonly hear remarks like, "if you guys fixed my (insert name of broken bone here) then why does it still hurt?" or "if the bone is better, why do I still have pain?". Some patients go so far as to wake up from surgery upset that there is postoperative pain.

Sadly, it doesn't work that way ~ because something that is fixed is not necessarily healed. The x-ray may look perfect, but that doesn't mean the bone is healed. From an anatomical perspective things may seem fine, but it may not be healed physiologically.

Life is like that. We have fixed the circumstances in life that have hurt us, but have we healed? Do we look fine on the outside, but are we weeping on the inside? It is possible to create a facade that looks great ~ clothes, cars, houses ~ all the externals. Yet, we can be so broken in our souls.

We can fix a bone in two hours in an operating room, but it can takes months of waiting, physical therapy, medication and follow-up to heal. Once healed, the bone is different...things are never quite the same.

People can be that way, too. Healed, but different than before the hurt, disappointment or loss.

Healed, but different...

more compassionate, grateful, generous, wiser, deeper, visionary, loving, patient, understanding, the list goes on...

or...

... bitter, angry, resentful, demanding, grief laden, lonely, hurt, sad, depressed, paralyzed, empty...

or

somewhere in between on a journey to wholeness

naybe fixed but not healed...

yet.

when your heart hurts

her room was dark...dimly lit by her reliable old nightlight...

...with tears in her eyes and trembling lips, she asked, "Why did my China Momma give me away?"

I replied, "Does your hear hurt?"

...with a sniffle and the little, sweet voice that I love she replied, "yes"...



...my heart hurts with you...

Past History

In medicine when we evaluate a patient, many things go into the initial assessment. We look at the patient, their allergies, current medications and past history. We tend to focus on their past medical history because it may affect our treatment plan. If the person has a history of bleeding ulcers, there are a number of medications we might avoid that could worsen their condition. Or, the person may have a history of adverse reactions to anesthetics which would complicate surgical planning.

I think we forget about the other elements of a person's history. A person's emotional, family and spiritual history is also important. There is sickness and brokenness found there, too.

I was acutely reminded of this today as I talked to my daughter. She is one of the greatest gifts in my life. She is the answer to years of yearning for a girl from China. She is a ball of energy, emotion and personality. I love to watch her face when she tells a story, because the expressions she displays are not mine or my husband's. Those expressions are part of discovering who she is and who she will be.

Today, tears sprung up in her eyes and she said to me, "I like you Mom, but I miss my China Momma." My heart felt a brief sting as I collected my thoughts. She told me she that she wanted to see her China Mom and wished she could talk to her. I realized there is this brokenness inside of her. It's part of her history. Her tears continued.

This girl comes with a history of a hole in her heart that she cannot yet fully articulate or understand. It can be easy to gloss over this sense of loss, because I think we've made it better for her. We give her a family, education, opportunity, friends, security, etc., etc. But, how can she see these "benefits" when she's trying to grasp the loss?

So, I answer her questions honestly. To many of them I say, "I don't know." ...because I don't. I know she is loved. I know there is a sense of loss.

As she grows, her understanding of life in China, adoption and family will evolve and mature. That will never erase her history~it may help her process it and come to terms with it.

Maybe it will be like the x-rays of patients that I see with old fractures. By looking at the image, I see the area where the fracture was...the bone was broken, but is now healed. The fracture line is faded and the bone is healed, remodeled, strong and functional. May her heart be the same: once broken...now healed, remodeled and strong. Never forgetting the pain, but moving forward bathed in love.

the life i live

My job is about being broken. Bones break and we take care of them. Dr. Fracture and I view x-ray after x-ray...day after day. We fix those, but we don't heal them. Our days are filled with surgery, blood, sutures, casts, splints, crutches and pain.

As I've lived the life of orthopaedic trauma at a large hospital for several years, it has now occurred to me that everyone at some point in their life is broken. Maybe physically, maybe psychologically, emotionally or spiritually...but most of us have been fractured. This blog is my reflection on being broken...and sometimes being healed.